no accounting for taste
by clairebare
Summary: lisbon gets a boyfriend. jane gets confused.
1. Chapter 1

1

"And then he did the cutest thing."

I try to pick up on what Teresa says to Kim but the bullpen is bustling so I don't get to hear about the cutest thing. Only Teresa's claim that whatever he did indeed qualified.

I'm thinking, Kim, please don't say "Awww" and of course, Kim says "Awww" and I know for sure that whoever this Marcus Pike is, he does cute cute things.

Douche.

Lisbon met him at a crime scene yesterday and has talked of nothing else since.

"Oh, and then he did something unbelievable."

Once again, she's whispering in Kim's ear.

And I'm praying, Kim, please don't gasp, and naturally, Kim gasps. So I guess the guy was not only cute but also unbelievable in the span of the five minutes Lisbon spent at that crime scene.

2

Then it arrives.

A messenger brings it in. Direct from the freezer section of your local Carvel, CookiePuss.

Who sends a woman he just met an ice cream cake for forty?

Especially one with so unfortunate a name?

Lisbon spends the next hour hauling it from desk to desk, proudly doling it out to the entire second floor.

I'm not eating Lisbon's Cookie Puss, I'll tell you that much.

3

The phone call comes mid-morning.

Lisbon says "Hello." Then she says "Tee-hee-tee-hee-tee-hee" for the next ten minutes.

She hangs up and swaggers over to Kim's desk with her lips pressed shut and her cheeks puffed out as if she's got a mouthful of water she's about to spit all over poor Fischer.

This is her "I've got a secret" look.

Wonder what her secret is?


	2. Chapter 2

1

Early morning.

I make a tea run to the local market and notice they're having a sale on all Carvel frozen desserts. A close-out.

CookiePuss is 40% off and a week past his sell by date.

I stand there for a moment thrilled by the grand romance of it all.

2

Tonight is Lisbon's secret date with Marcus Pike.

I see her walking toward me down the corridor.

She's wearing a dress.

Navy blue with cream-colored collar and cuffs. At the knee and fitted but not tight. Like Audrey Hepburn ran off with the Pilgrims.

It is ineffably sexy.

My eyes drift down.

Her legs are bare, lightly tanned and slightly shiny.

Her feet are encased in ladylike princess-heel ankle boots in natural python which add a promising kinky edge.

If I were Marcus Pike, I would throw myself at her feet the moment I saw her.

I resist the urge to do so and duck into the men's room until she passes.

3

The bullpen is quiet most of the day so it's easy to eavesdrop on the Lisbon and Fischer show.

Lisbon is meeting Marcus at a restaurant.

A bit later I find out she's meeting him at a restaurant for dessert.

?

So on a first date, the cute and unbelievable Marcus Pike expects a lady to arrive having already eaten?

I really don't want Lisbon to go on a date with a guy who buys her a marked-down antique cake mainly so he can make a big splash at her office.

I really don't want Lisbon to go on a date with a guy who expects her to feed herself beforehand.

She seems so excited about tonight.

Her eyes shine and her hair shines and her legs shine too.

She and Kim arrange to go for drive-thru after work so she'll be suitably satiated before she meets Marcus.

I could throw a million witty barbs her way. But I just can't.


	3. Chapter 3

1

The next morning, I assess Lisbon's attitude, skin tone and gait. She did not have sex with Marcus Pike.

But she did have a nice time.

She struts a few steps ahead of me. A view I usually take in with pleasure, but today, with bitterness.

This confirms her message to me during our flight to New York. She has her own life and I haven't been part of it for two years.

When she joined the FBI, I thought I was bringing her back into my solar system. She'd be the prettiest planet; the one most compatible with life.

Maybe the whole "revolving around me" concept is where I erred.

2

Lisbon and Fischer have snuck off together to re-chew every mouthful of the tiramisu she shared with Marcus.

They shared? Whose idea was that? Was his goal for the evening to not break a ten?

Probably urged her to skip coffee because it would interfere with her sleep. That's two bucks right there.

3

Lisbon is sitting at her desk eager for his call.

Maybe Pike has found his ideal woman.

One who asks for very little and is happy with the little she gets.

Still, what kind of bastard would be witholding with Lisbon?

I suddenly develop a lump in my throat.

Tea.


	4. Chapter 4

1

Pike calls Lisbon before noon.

He's eager.

Her face tells me he says something significant.

She hurries over to Fischer and within a minute, they rush out of the office purses flying.

2

7pm.

I'm lying on the couch. I hear something and open one eye.

I see Kim slip out of the ladies room and hold the door open.

Kim says, "Do you think this is what he had in mind?"

"Well, he said he likes it when women dress sexy."

Lisbon teeters into the corridor.

Her outfit is a complete turnaround from the ravishing little pilgrim dress and booties.

This is the clothing equivalent of a blunt instrument.

The dress she's almost wearing is black, short, backless, strapless and almost frontless.

The shoes have heels as high as her little feet are long.

The caveman in me is riveted.

Then the caveman gets royally pissed.

Where does this son of a bitch get off dictating how Lisbon dresses?

I pretend to sleep as Lisbon and Fischer pass me and head out.

Controlling, withholding bastard.

What does Lisbon see in him?


	5. Chapter 5

1

Lisbon is so down this morning.

What befell her during her date with Pike?

Did he leave his wallet in his other pants?

2

She and Kim have had their heads close together all morning.

Too close. I can't hear anything.

Did Pike try something?

No, I can see the problem is that he didn't try something.

How humiliating.

I'm steamed.

How dare he not try to nail Lisbon?

She spent two paychecks on an outfit that I don't approve of except in the confines of my Airstream.

He asked her to dress sexy and then didn't make a move.

The motherfucker made her think he wanted her and then he ran away.

I feel a wave of nausea.

I don't get it because I'm never ill.

3

Just before noon, Pike calls Lisbon.

For five minutes, she mostly listens.

Her eyes get wet and she rubs away a tear.

She hangs up.

Hooray. He broke up with her.

I mean, oh no, he broke up with her.

Kim is there kneeling by her side in a heartbeat.

Lisbon talks, Kim listens.

Kim's eyes well up with tears.

I take a stroll around the bullpen until I reach a lip-reading position.

4

Marcus Pike is a sensitive guy.

Seems Clytemnestra, his neighbor's cat, died yesterday after a long illness and Pike was silently mourning all through his date with Lisbon.

So he wasn't rejecting her, he was in too much emotional pain.

Ok. I'll bite. I'm fond of cats.

Teresa calls him mid-afternoon to check on him.

She asks if he wants to meet for a drink after work.

He tells her he's not ready.


	6. Chapter 6

1

It's one of those beautiful mornings with a touch of menace in the air.

As I ride up on the elevator, I have a psychic vision of a puppy floral arrangement made from chrysanthemums.

The elevator doors open.

Yes. I can sense the little fellow's presence.

There he is smack in the middle of Lisbon's desk.

There's an open note from Pike.

'Friday night? Marcus.'

It seems he's recovered from the death of his neighbor's cat.

Is Lisbon going to leave this thing on her desk?

People might see it and judge her by it.

I can't have that.

2

I perch a Baccarat vase full of cabbage roses and Irish bells on Lisbon's desk.

Its presence is so lush and its fragrance so enchanting, it renders Pike's flower dog almost invisible.

Lisbon walks up just as I'm setting it down.

"Jane, what's all this?" she says.

"Just something I thought you'd like." I look into her eyes for a beat longer than usual.

"Thank you. That's very nice." She gives me one of her gorgeous smiles.

She picks up the vase. "Let's put them so everyone can enjoy them."

She places them on the tall file cabinet near her desk then looks at her watch and rushes out.

Chrysanthemum dog looks at me in triumph.

3

Friday night.

Lisbon slinks out of the ladies room.

The short silver dress she's wearing shows she's got her hopes up.

She shouldn't be in public like that.

Like any gentleman, my instinct is to cover her with my jacket.

At least until I got her into my Airstream.

Then I would pull the dress up over her head and…

But I digress.

From what I can glean of the details, Pike asked Lisbon to meet him at a nice restaurant and what's more, he invited her to eat.

Don't know if he'll cover drinks, coffee or appetizers but I think she's got a good shot at one of the cheaper entrées, chicken or fish.

My flowers are still on the file cabinet. She took Pike's flower dog home with her.

This guy Pike is no good for her.

I'm good for her.

I have to talk to her.

"Lisbon. You look nice."

"Thanks, Jane." She puts her car keys in her little clutch bag.

"Lisbon? Remember when we were on the airplane? That thing that you said about how I didn't know what was good for your life? Which parts of your life did you mean?"

She looks at me for a long, amused moment.

"Gee Jane, what did I say? I was kind of hyped up."

She grabs her coat and sweeps away down the corridor.


	7. Chapter 7

1

On my drive in to the office, I think about Lisbon and her date last night with Marcus.

Hell, since she left last night, I've been thinking of nothing else.

"I don't know, Jane? What did I say? I was kind of hyper."

Those were her very words.

Wisenheimer.

The sentence drifted through the air as she treated me to the sight of her sparkly, slightly jiggly butt disappearing down the hall.

I like a little jiggle and I cannot lie.

Some other men can deny.

2

I pull my car into Abbott's space just to be an asshole.

Locking up, I mull over the fact that I said Lisbon's words under completely different circumstances.

I said them to diffuse and obfuscate a situation. Namely, me having said, "Love you" to Lisbon. I threw sand in her eyes when she asked me about it.

I was the author of "What did I say? I was kind of hyper."

Last night, I asked her whether she really felt I didn't know what was good for her life?

If she's consistent, and Lisbon generally is, her answer, loosely translated is: "I don't really recall what I said. Let's chalk it up to my being on edge and confronted by a myriad of conundrums. "

Regardless of what Lisbon meant, I like my understanding of what she said and shall now behave as if she wants me in every aspect of her life.

3

I see Lisbon's car is in her space.

The windows, the skylight, the gas cap-

Nay, every orifice of Lisbon's car has been left wide open.

I want to weep.

I have the urge to thrust my body through the yawning driver's side window.

Freud would have a fucking picnic with me.

4

Breathes there a man with soul so dead who has to ask if Lisbon climbed Pike's Peak last night?


	8. Chapter 8

1

I stand for a moment looking at Lisbon's wide open car.

Something's strange. There's a chemical odor. That's why Lisbon left it open.

I walk closer.

The interior is covered with blue paint. The paint is dry.

The driver's side seat is completely blue.

The passenger side shows the shape of a large person outlined by the blue.

Obviously, there was a man alone in Lisbon's car when someone leaned in the window with a can of spray paint.

Sort of a mobile Blue Man Group, I imagine.

Someone painted Pike blue last night.

Snort.

2

Lisbon is in Fischer's office with the door closed.

I stand there for a moment on the off chance they'll invite me in.

Fischer waves me away.

I bring a cup of tea to the bullpen and sit down on my couch.

I sigh deeply.

Cho looks up from his computer.

"Drippy J," Cho says.

"Did you just say Drippy J, Cho?" I sip my tea.

"Pike's nemesis. The graffiti artist who spray-painted his ex-wife and daughter twelve years ago."

With the tiniest twitch of his mouth, Cho looks back at his computer. "Pike's been hunting him ever since."


	9. Chapter 9

7pm. The bullpen is deserted.

Just Lisbon at her desk. Eyes glued to her computer.

I stroll over and stand in front of her. She glances up.

"Drippy J, huh?"

"Not funny, Jane," she says.

"C'mon, it's a little funny." I sit on the edge of her desk for a moment and watch her work.

She's wearing high-heeled sandals with her usual pantsuit and has applied a fresh spritz of Eau D'Hadrien.

I could inhale her and look at her little peasant feet all night. The three equal length toes next to the big toe of the classic peasant provide the sturdiest base for standing en pointe for ballet. How I'd love to see Lisbon in a tutu.

I notice she's wearing a pin in the shape of a deformed heart.

The Open Heart designed by Jane Seymour and the janitorial staff at Kay Jewelers. Pike strikes again.

"Lisbon," I say, "I'm glad to catch you still here, there's something I've been-"

I hear footsteps behind me.

Crap.

This has to be Marcus Pike.

And I must say Marcus is looking a bit blue tonight.

I slay myself sometimes.

"Patrick Jane, this is Marcus Pike." Lisbon makes the introduction grudgingly. She's worried that I'll make trouble.

We shake.

He seems like an ok guy. Handsome, solid. Doesn't try to crush my hand.

Either he's not an asshole or he doesn't view me as a threat or both.

Why doesn't he view me as a threat?

What portrait of a eunuch has Lisbon painted?

His clothes are execrable. As Churchill said, "Only a cad would wear a brown suit."

He doesn't appear to be a cad.

Withholding, overpowering, paranoid, dramatic, adolescent, fragile, yes.

And with impeccable taste in women.

Before we can perform the obligatory licking of each other's faces, Pike gets a text.

He turns ashen. Which in his present state is a pale blue-grey with flecks of periwinkle.

He reads, "A two-story blue donkey on the façade of the Lyndon Baines Johnson Memorial Library. Still wet."

"Him?" Lisbon asks.

"There are copycats. I'm the only one who knows his spray patterns," Pike says. "If it is, he's taunting me." He leans over and kisses her cheek. "Sorry," he says to both of us.

"At least he got the political party right," I call to his disappearing back. Lisbon gives me a sashimi knife of a look.

Pike's gone.

We stand around for a moment.

"So…Drippy J, huh?" I say.

"He's a dangerous criminal, Jane."

"But what a boon for the dry cleaning industry."

"His daughter was teased at school. It took her and her mother a week to get the paint out of their hair!"

I love Lisbon's righteous stance. Fists clenched, legs apart.

I grab her hand.

"Come on, grumpy. Your date is cancelled. Why don't you and I grab a bite?" I drape her handbag over her shoulder.

I take her wrist and lead her toward the exit.

She stops dead.

"What did you say, Jane?"

Her brow is knit. Her teeth are bared.

"Why don't you and I grab a bite?"

She cocks her little head. Her eyes are burning bright.

"You know, Lisbon. You. Me. Food. Eat." I give her my soothing smile and pull her down the corridor.

My arm gets yanked almost out of its socket. I'm cheek down on the floor, arm twisted behind me. Lisbon is kneeling on my back.

"Tell me what's wrong with what you just said, Jane."

This hurts like hell but I'm enjoying her menacing voice in my ear.

I shiver.

So strict. I like that in a woman.


	10. Chapter 10

1

Lisbon abruptly lets go of me.

She puts out her hand and hauls me to my feet.

I brush myself off.

"What the hell, Lisbon? Pike asked you on a date. Pike had to cancel the date. So I simply asked if you wanted to grab a bite and-"

BAM.

Lisbon has me down on the floor again.

"And what if I told you I didn't want to grab a bite, Jane?"

I twist around and look up at her.

"Well, Lisbon, that would be ok. No big deal. We'll do it another time."

She lets go.

She walks off leaving me lying on the office floor.

Something is starting to crystallize in my mind. I have a theory.

I get up and give chase.

"Lisbon?"

She turns.

"What if we got something to eat at a restaurant?"

"No way, Jane." She starts walking again.

"Broke bread at an eating establishment?"

"Jackass," she says without turning.

"Partook of some victuals?"

She actually waves her gun in the air before disappearing into the parking lot.

2

So here's my thinking.

Pike asked her on a date.

Patrick asked her to grab a bite.

Pike put himself out there.

Sent the gifts. Made the phone calls.

Declared his interest in Lisbon as a woman if only to the tune of half an Olive Garden tiramisu.

CookiePuss and Chrysanthemum Dog were in poor taste. But they arrived under the banner of his clear romantic intentions.

It's no big deal if Lisbon doesn't want to grab a bite with me.

It's the apocalypse if Lisbon doesn't want to go on a date with me.

So basically, I'm a big puss.


	11. Chapter 11

1

The next morning, I stroll through the bullpen with my tea.

I pass Lisbon.

She's determined not to look at me.

I suspect if Jesus appeared above the file cabinets, she'd keep her eyes on her paperwork.

At that moment, Marcus Pike walks by on his way to see Lisbon.

"Hey buddy," he shakes my hand and pats my back. "I want to thank you for offering to grab a bite with Teresa last night. That was nice of you."

Pike heads over to Lisbon's desk.

I make my way to my couch.

"And that's why you're an idiot," says Cho.

2

Note to self: If you invite a woman out and it's ok with her boyfriend, you're not making your intentions clear.

3

Of course, if I make my intentions clear, she could reject me.

Is Lisbon diabolical enough to manipulate me into asking for a date and then refusing?

That would be mean.

Like telling someone you love them and then denying it.

Like telling someone how much they mean to you and then abandoning them on the side of the road.

4

Late afternoon.

I'm outside on a bench.

I'm on my phone.

"Hi Teresa."

"It's Patrick."


	12. Chapter 12

1

"Hello, Teresa. It's Patrick."

There's a long pause.

I don't think she's ever received a call from Patrick.

2

I haven't declared myself to Teresa but I've asked her on a date. Nothing ambiguous about it.

Both of us have spent the week walking on eggs with each other.

Pike rambled through the office a few times and as he didn't beat me to death, I assume he doesn't know.

Ha. Teresa's cheating on him with me. She's also now cheating on me with him.

3

I'm sitting at a table in the French place I've chosen.

Lisbon said she was busy Saturday night so we settled on Friday.

Perhaps if the date is successful, Pike won't get his Saturday night with her.

The maitre d' shows Lisbon to her seat.

She's wearing the backless, strapless, frontless black dress she bought at Pike's behest.

I don't know what kind of stimulus Pike requires for arousal but I would find Lisbon sexy in a Hefty bag.

Strange that she'd wear something she bought to please Pike to an evening with me.

I would much prefer that she'd worn the pilgrim dress and booties that Pike obviously didn't respond to.

That outfit was pure her.

Lisbon sits. She immediately crinkles her brow.

"What Jane? You don't like my dress?"

Like her acting, I find it a little over the top. And I guess my face gave it away.

"You look very pretty, Lisbon."

"Good, because I've had it with people trying to dictate the way I dress."

"Like Pike?" I say.

Her eyes widen.

Bringing him up may have been a mistake. Have to do damage control. "Because I would have been very happy if you'd worn the pilgrim dress."

"Oh, so you vote for the pilgrim dress, do you?" Lisbon says dangerously.

Thank god, the waiter brings our menus.

4

The waiter pours the Alsatian Riesling I ordered.

"To the lovely Teresa," I say.

She gives me one of her gorgeous smiles.

We clink glasses.

I say to the waiter, "The lady will have the artichoke with hollandaise and the dover sole. I'll have the gougeres and the lamb, pink."

The waiter plucks the menus away.

"And Karl, tell the chef to fire up two chocolate soufflés when we've finished our entrees."

I smile at Karl. He races off.

I turn back to Teresa.

She has steam coming out of her ears.


	13. Chapter 13

1

Lisbon is singeing my corneas with her eyes.

"Lisbon, is this about me ordering for you?"

Her eyes get even angrier.

"I was watching your face when you looked at the menu and I knew that your first choice was the artichoke and the sole but you were wavering between that and the gougeres and the lamb so I ordered all four so you could taste them all."

She swallows hard.

"And I know that chocolate soufflé is your favorite and in this restaurant you have to order it at the beginning of the meal and I thought we'd just get two of them going and we could order any of the other desserts at the end. "

Lisbon picks up her little clutch purse.

"Jane, will you excuse me. I have to visit the powder room."

And she's gone.

Karl, the waiter has a "what gives?" look on his face. I signal him to slow down the order. This could be a bumpy night.

2

Fifteen minutes later. No Lisbon.

Is she ok?

I have Karl put the Riesling back on ice and make my way to the ladies.

There's a line of women outside the door.

Some of them are standing with their legs crossed.

Somebody's been in there awhile.

I move quickly past the line, pick the lock, and, to the sound of protests from the women on line, I slip in.

Lisbon is giggling in the stall.

"Teresa?"

The laughing stops, the door swings open.

She's standing against the back wall.

This is a scene Helmut Newton would love to photograph.

The beautiful woman with the red smile in cruel shoes outlined against bathroom tile.

She walks out of the stall.

She opens her compact and reapplies her dark red matte lipstick.

As she perfects her cupid's bow, she says, "Jane, I'm beginning to think that you may be my type."

"Teresa, that's so—"

"Quiet. I'm not necessarily happy about that."

Gulp.

"Jane, I feel like doing something right now, ok?"

"Of course, Teresa. Anyth-"

She pushes me against the wall opposite the sink.

"See that towel rack behind you, Jane? I'd like you to hold on to it."

I put my hands behind me and hold the towel rack.

In a second, Lisbon is deftly undoing my belt.

I may like where this is going.

"Jane, I don't want you to take this the wrong way."

Take it the wrong w-Oh god.

I've never seen the top of her head from quite this angle.

How does she get her part so perfect?

I'm beginning to short circuit.

Davenport.

Credenza.

Perambulator.

Velociraptor.

OH GOD.


	14. Chapter 14

1

Rabelais.

Rashomon.

Rubirosa.

And I'm back.

Lisbon redoes her lipstick while I look up at her from the patch of bathroom floor I appear to be homesteading.

She closes her minaudiere with a snap and crouches down next to me.

"Thanks, Jane. This was really helpful."

Another dazzling smile and she's gone.

2

The pounding on the ladies room door is deafening.

I haul myself up, straighten myself out, and head back to the dining room.

I lay three hundreds on the table.

I grab the bottle of Riesling from the ice bucket and trek out to the parking lot.

3

I'm driving.

What the hell just happened?

Also, how do I get it to happen again?

Where is Lisbon?

Where's the worst place she could be?

Pike's house.

Is she hoping he'll be really helpful too?

I don't know Pike's address.

But construction has just been completed on a particularly ungepotchket condo development in the suburbs of Austin.

4

I drive through the gates of The Blancmange and sure enough, Lisbon's car is parked in front of one of the condos.

I park out of sight and walk toward Pike's place.

I don't have a plan.

He'll probably club me to death with one of his lava lamps or brain me with one of his Chia pets.

Why did Lisbon leave me like that and rush over here?

Was she hoping to conduct a side-by-side taste test?

5

The door to Pike's place opens.

I duck behind the hedges.

Lisbon rushes by as fast as her implausible heels can take her.

She's not walking happy.


	15. Chapter 15

1

Lisbon leaves Pike's house.

What happened in there? Not much, I hope.

I think back on our ladies room encounter.

She told me she thought I was her type but she wasn't necessarily happy about that.

Does she love me but not want to?

She told me to not take the excellent blowjob she gave me the wrong way.

Does that mean I shouldn't think she likes me or is attracted to me?

I watch her pull out her cell phone, climb in her car and tear out of Pike's parking lot.

Hmm. Who would she be talking to?

A good listener.

Where would she be going?

A quiet bar.

2

Through clever reverse navigation of one-way streets, I travel to the hotel bar where she and Kim occasionally meet.

When they arrive, I'm already sitting on the other side of a large fern plant with my face buried behind The New York Times. I feel like I should have a caption.

Lisbon's going on about Pike. Says something about him being in the middle of "Dancing With The Stars" and not wanting to put it on pause.

Did she say the same thing to him? "Marcus, I feel like doing something right now, ok?"

My answer was, "Of course, Teresa, anything."

Which is how I wound up sliding down the bathroom wall.

Was the thing she felt like doing to him the same thing she felt like doing to me?

And if he weren't dead set on seeing NeNe Leakes do Karate Boogaloo, would Teresa have surprised him by…

My eyes well with tears and my stomach lurches.

I feel so cheap.

3

I have to leave.

I have to throw up.

After she had her way with me, she said it was very helpful.

Lisbon may not realize it but most men don't want to be told that a sexual experience with them was helpful.

What kind of woman am I in love with?

She's so secretive and controlling.

4

I go back to my Airstream and lie awake thinking about Teresa.

Sean Barlow would have a picnic with me.

5

Here I am in the bushes peering in Teresa's window.

So sue me.

Teresa's curled up on the sofa asleep in her do-me dress.

She has two towering boards set up in her living room.

They make my Red John boards look like kiddie puzzles.

The complexity and detail is amazing.

At the top of one board is a photo of me.

The other board has a photo of Pike.

It seems Teresa is trying to choose a boyfriend with good solid detective work.


	16. Chapter 16

1

Using my paperclip, I let myself into Lisbon's place.

I've never been here before.

She's done an amazing job.

White slip covered seating stands out against dark lacquered walls and floors.

I remember Lisbon's fingers being slightly ebonized for a few days so she probably did the walls and floors herself.

I see she's partial to post-war European decorative arts.

The round Jacques Adnet mirror with the leather strap is hard to come by and pricey. Bet she used her first FBI check to treat herself.

The trim little black and gilt demilune in her foyer is much older, Napoleon III.

The tiny prints hanging over it are Paul Klee postcards in white Ikea frames. Nice idea.

The folding screen covered in a Fornasetti cityscape fabric perched behind the white couch is a DIY project.

Who knew Lisbon would be so discerning and specific in her decorating tastes?

If Pike walked in, the ghost of Jacques Adnet would appear wringing his hands and crying "Why, Marcus, why?"

Then on behalf of art, he'd vaporize Pike in a ball of flame.

He doesn't belong here. Pike, not Adnet.

While Lisbon might not like the fact that I broke in, Adnet's ghost is smiling down on me and my H. Huntsman suit.

I fit right in in Lisbon's home.

If only she understood that.

2

These boards are disturbing.

Lisbon has identified traits she thinks Pike and I share.

What could those traits be? Homo sapiens? Vertebrate? Opposable-thumb wielders?

We're nothing alike.

I study the boards.

There are six categories.

Attractive. Snark. I ace this.

Withholding.

Controlling.

Paranoid.

Dishonest.

Not ready.

…Uh-oh.

3

Withholding.

Looking at her notes, the rap on me seems to be that I withhold information and keep secrets. You got me on that, Lisbon.

She notes, however, that financially, I am generous to a fault.

Pike withholds money. (C'mon, Lisbon, he's the cheapest bastard ever.)

Plus, he's constipated.

I have no idea how Lisbon comes by that information but her insight is perfect. As psychologists say, the feces are the child's first possessions.

What occurred in his early childhood to make him so stingy? And who the hell wants to think about it?

4

Controlling.

Marcus Pike wants to control everything Lisbon wears.

Patrick Jane wants to control everything Lisbon does.

Ok. I give Pike that one.

5

Paranoid.

Pike sees Drippy J. around every corner and views his spray-painting of his ex-wife and daughter twelve years ago as a personal affront. Since Drippy J. continues to evade Pike, Pike will run off every time Drippy sprays.

I saw Red John around every corner for ten years and he ranked above Lisbon in my life but I killed the motherfucker with my bare hands. Done, done and done.

So I win that one.

6

Dishonest.

Pike is forthright and public in his love for Lisbon. He sends her gifts and in all ways gives her proof of his intentions.

I con her whenever possible and after twelve years, have given her very little insight into how I feel.

Gulp.

7

Not ready.

Pike pursues Lisbon non-stop except if his neighbor's cat dies in which case he becomes too fragile to have a drink with her and needs a week to recover.

My wife and daughter died twelve years ago, I avenged them, took two years to think about it and am still wearing my wedding ring.

Lisbon notes that people have survived concentration camps and the killing fields and gone on with their lives. And they didn't get the satisfaction of personal revenge on Hitler or Pol Pot.

Maybe it's time to shed the ring.

8

So Lisbon tried to find a boyfriend.

She felt an attraction to Marcus but to her dismay, realized he has many traits in common with me.

That's why she told me I'm her type but she's not necessarily happy about it.

As Sophie would say when someone chooses a mate from his or her unconscious mind (as we all do), "The point on his head fits into the hole in hers."

Lisbon knows she's doomed to choose guys like Marcus and me.

9

There are no guys like me.

But Lisbon makes an observation in her notes that her mother told her to listen to the music not the words.

What Lisbon's mom meant by this is if you don't get hung up in the details, both Marcus and I withhold from her, control her, indulge our own neuroses at her expense and are all-around assholes.

Regardless of the details of what we do, the effect on Lisbon is the same.

I feel like about two cents.

So tonight's b.j. exercise was about ceding control.

I cooperated with Lisbon in that ladies room (not so controlling) and Marcus left her cooling her almost bare butt while he watched a crappy reality show (very controlling). And fatally stupid, I suspect.

Freak. Loser. Nimrod.

How poorly he treated Lisbon tonight.

I'd advise him to cut off his dick and mail it to the National Organization for Women but I don't think the post office accepts under-sized envelopes.


	17. Chapter 17

1

Teresa makes a snuffling noise from the sofa.

She turns over on her side and burrows her nose in the gap where the back of the sofa meets the seat.

This is an opportune angle from which to observe the lower curve of her ass peeping out from under her dress.

Her ass makes me smile. It's more generous than I dared dream. Either Pike or me is a lucky man.

2

These charts are so Lisbon.

She unstintingly and tirelessly searched for the truth.

Shit, look at all the paperwork she did.

Looks like she succeeded in identifying what her type is.

Unfortunately for her, that type appears to be a controlling, withholding, paranoid jerk.

As an added bonus, if she picks me, she'll get a controlling, withholding, paranoid jerk who is also crooked as a corkscrew.

3

Interestingly, the poet, W.H. Auden said, "the desires of the heart are as crooked as a corkscrew."

If Lisbon thinks about it for any length of time, she'll never pick me.

The trick, of course, is for her not to think about it.

4

I'm sitting on the floor in the corner of the room watching Lisbon dream.

She stretches.

She lurches to her feet and toddles over to her boards.

Sleepwalking, maybe?

She stands on tiptoe and takes down my photo. I hold my breath.

She takes down Pike's photo.

She shuffles back to the couch and flops down on her back.

She shoves one of the photos under the cushion.

She clutches the other photo to her little bosom and falls asleep.

I feel like white smoke should emanate from the chimney of this little house.

But for whom?

5

I crawl over to the couch.

Nope. Can't see who it is.

She's holding it face down.

I like watching her sleep.

6

I wake to feel two strong little hands on me. One yanks at my hair. The other yanks the back of my shirt.

So strong and firm of purpose are they that they pull me onto the sofa and right on top of Teresa.

"I knew you'd break in," she says framing each side of my face with her hands.

She kisses me.

I don't want to take that the wrong way.

"I want to apologize for springing that blowjob on you, Jane. That was rude and uncalled for."

I clear my throat. "Well, I think I can forgive you."

She kisses me again. She unbuttons my shirt and pants and sort of crawls into my clothes with me.

Her hands slip under my shirt and around my back. She sits on my hips, inserts one little foot under the waistband of my pants and begins to work them down my body.

"Teresa?"

"Yes, Patrick?"

"Is this another test to see if we can have a relationship?"

"No Patrick. This is the relationship."

"We already started, Teresa? When was I to be informed?"

"Shut up, Patrick."


End file.
